I’m going to preface this post with a warning. If you recently started following this blog (*thank you*) because of my short story posts, you might want to give this one a miss. This post is the sound of me writing down what ever junk is cluttering up my head and throwing it out on here so I can think about more important things – like stories! If you come back later in the week there should be something more to your taste up here. But, for now, this is what was happening in my head at eleven this morning. You have been warned.
I spend a lot of time sat at a desk, in an office, doing nothing of importance. I’m doing it right now. Sometimes it’s busy; other times, not so much. But no matter how busy or slow it is I know for a fact – I do not want to be here. This is not what I should be doing with my life. So I scheme, and dream, and imagine an alternate me doing all of the things that I wish I could be doing. Then I go home and plot how to make things change. I do it for hours. Then I go to bed.
Occasionally I will free myself from this pathetic shroud of misery and spiraling disappointment and realise:
“This is the most ineffective and depressing way of going about changing my life!”
Then I sit there and keep right at it, like some demented reverse pavlovian dog/man/dumbass.
On even rarer occasions I get to the stage where I will write about this phenomenon. See, I’m doing it right now(!) This sort of exercise tends to end in me announcing, to no one in particular, that I’m going to change. “I will seize the reins of my own life and do everything that I’ve always dreamed of doing!”
It doesn’t work.
I’ve honed my inner cynicism and anti-establishment sentiments to such a degree that when I make such a grand proclamation some hideous, hipster-like, part of my brain reads those words and screams, “FUCK YOU, I WON’T DO WHAT YOU TELL ME!”
It’s dumb, and it probably relates to the depression that I have, but usually refuse to acknowledge until it has me over a barrel.
So I’m making no promises to anyone, or anything, anonymous or otherwise. I’m just going to try a bit harder to change things from day to day and see how it goes. I’ve already been writing more in various notebooks for the past few months. It’s cool, but it sucks too because I want to share the things I’m working on but they’re nowhere near presentable at the moment. It’s very easy to talk and write about how fantastic something’s going to be in the future. But my problem has always been getting there. Getting to the future with the story laid out in some place that isn’t my head is not something I seem to be able to do much anymore.
I’ll level with you – my grammar sucks. I just don’t understand it now. I used to – I nearly did a combined English/Drama degree for god’s sake – same as I used to be able to read music as easily as I breathe. But somewhere over the past decade those skills have faded as they’ve become less applicable to my everyday life.
It’s probably safe to say that I’ve unlearnt more than I’ve learnt in the past ten years. My memory is definitely worse than it used to be, but I think that’s just because most of what I l hear and see each day is irrelevant to me, personally. It doesn’t compare to the conversations I used to have with friends, teachers, or colleagues at my previous jobs. There is no excitement or interest in the wider world, and I am no longer surrounded by people who like the same things that I do.
For example, if I were to mention any of the following topics: Politics, Gender, Sexuality, Equality, Hacktivism, Comics, Anime, Performer and Performance as Catalyst for Change – all of which can lead to some really interesting discussions, I think you’ll agree – the best reaction I can hope for at work is a shrug or grunt of disinterest. In some cases these are actually met with outright hostility and a level of closed-mindedness that absolutely astounds me:
Politics – “It’s all Bullshit; they’re all as bad as each other.” <-An amalgamation of pretty much the same phrase I’ve heard from everyone I speak to about this subject at work, and home.
Gender/Sexuality/Equality – “Where the fuck did we go wrong?” <- That’s a genuine quote from the woman that sits next to me at the office. This was said in response to the subject of transgender & gay people being brought up about a month ago. I won’t expound any further on her views of equal marriage. But you can see my reaction, here.
Also – “They’re not usually pretty, are they? You don’t usually see any fit lesbians.” <- That’s another quote from the same conversation; this time from the woman that sits opposite me. She then went on to say that even her boyfriend (and father of her child) thinks that the sole [unfortunate to have ‘friends’ like these] lesbian they know is an anomaly because she’s, “actually fit enough to be [considered] doable”.
Hacktivism – Oh god. Yes, apparently hacktivists are the scum of the Earth and are, most likely, just putting on a show so that they can gather credit card numbers and personal pictures… Fuck that conversation, I’m sick of it.
Comics/Anime – I don’t dare mention these at work, even though I have an Adventure Time cast picture as my desktop background. At home, my wife is not a fan. She pretty much just views them as a waste of time and money. I also have one friend who claims to be the world’s biggest X-men fan, despite not reading any of the comics since the early 90’s. Any time I mention anything Marvel related my opinion is (obviously) null and void…
Luckily, though, my kids think that daddy knowing lots about comics and cartoons is REALLY COOOOL, so at least I have them to cheer me up. My kids are awesome.
Performer & Performance as Catalyst for Change – This idea is so far out of the box for my work colleagues that I refuse to ever try and broach it again. Some people are just willfully stupid and I see no point in slamming my face into brick walls.
So, yes, I need to make a change so that I am happy and able to pursue something that I find interesting in order to lead a more fulfilling life.
If you were expecting some kind of pay-off at the end here, I apologise. I just needed to vent and re-kick my own arse to be the change I want in my life. After all, who needs a support group when I can just scream into the internet in vain?
TL;DR – I’m gradually trying to change my life because if I don’t I will remain miserable in a pointless job and be surrounded by morons forever.