Closing Statement

[Originally published, 31st May, 2012]

The statement admitted that errors had been made. It acknowledged that the original plans had been rushed and not enough attention had been paid to vital details and components, thus jeopardising the safety of all involved. The basic evolutionary model had been fatally flawed and, inevitably, the project had gone awry.

Furthermore, additional failings identified during the construction process had not been addressed with the necessary attention required to prevent future structural instability and collapse. As a direct result of these over-sights the entire framework of the enterprise had been irreversibly compromised on multiple levels.

It went on to concede that the board of directors left in charge of the development was rife with corruption and thorough only in their abuse of power, often perverting and re-interpreting the projects’ ethics to better serve themselves.

The statement concluded that the delay in direct intervention had been down to base negligence and it took full responsibility for the catastrophic loss of life and resources it’s errors and wilful blindness had caused.

Critics immediately began to file for damages, but the compensation they demanded would not be forthcoming.

The day that God apologised for creation, was the same day it terminated the project.


[Originally published, 28th May, 2012]

‘Sometimes I wonder if life would be easier if I were gay. Men are such arseholes, you know, but I’m just not attracted to other women. See, I  spent most of my teenage years at this girl’s-only boarding school my parents sent me to after this thing happened with my brother… but you don’t need to know about that. The point is, girls and women can be just as awful as boys and men; trust me, they are.

‘Maybe I’m asexual. Maybe one day I’ll be masturbating and another, me, will just appear beside me, fully formed. I don’t know really. The whole concept of sex confuses me. Why involve someone else and all their problems in my life when I can get what I really want from my hand, or a dildo?

‘Only those two, mind. Hand or dildo, vibrators freak me out.

‘I heard about this one girl, back at school, she used to have one of those old-fashioned, solid plastic ones you had to plug in at the wall – probably a family heirloom, or something. Anyway, she dropped it and part of the casing cracked. The next time she used it, well, I wouldn’t have wanted to be the headmistress when she had to explain that one to the parents at the hospital. You can call me a prude if you like, but putting something inside me that could lead to vaginal burns? Heck,  the idea appeals even less than my brother’s sweaty little meat-stick did that time he tried to shove it in me just before I stabbed him.

‘Anyway, I’ve been talking for quite a while now, but I still haven’t answered your question, have I? Um, well, I think I only had the one glass, officer; is the kid I hit all right?’


The Foolishness of Men

[Originally published, 3rd May, 2012]

The dawn came and the dawn went, yet still, he could not move his legs.

As the silhouettes of the trees outside extended across the curtains, the room transformed from its usual vapid, steam-blurred cream tone into a fiery hue that complimented the crimson stain streaking his unwavering gaze.

As the clock crept to three-fifteen and he failed to hear the distant bells’ chime demarking the end of the school-day, he came to the inevitable conclusion that he must be dead.

Yet as terrible as this realisation was, his final thoughts at the fringe of his premature demise were consumed by embarrassment and anger at his own, stupid pride. The words of his (now, ‘ex’, he supposed) girlfriend, echoing through his dying mind,

‘It doesn’t matter if it’s pink! This shower mat could save your life, Lionel; so use it, and don’t be such a macho little prick!’